Big Headmaster
by CazzaCat
Summary: What happens when Dumbledore watches too much muggle Television, while drunk... Very funny... Please Review.Written by CazzaCat and KalanSlytherin
1. Part 1 Port or Whiskey

_**Big Headmaster**_

An: We don't own Harry Potter or Big Brother; if we did we would have better things to do with our time. ;-) Rated R for language further on. DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU!

**Kalan: What the..?**

**Cazza: Tee hee hee! I knew you'd like it! (_Giggles like a maniac_)**

**Kalan: You're nuts…**

**Cazza: I know, and I will use my nuttiness to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!**

**Kalan:Um excuse me a second, I just have to go and get drunk, numbs the pain.**

**-------------------Two hours later-------------------**

**Kalan: What you looking at? (_Talking to the weather woman_)**

**Cazza: Tee hee, now we can get started! ;-)**

**Kalan: Did you just call me a wet wig? (_Starts punching weather__ woman's image)_**

**Cazza: Umm AHEM!**

**Kalan: (_Stops and stares at her_) what?**

**Cazza: Come on, let's get to it. I wanna finish it before you kill my TV!**

**Kalan: She started it! Hey Big Brothers coming on! Woop Woop! Oh wait I hate Big Brother…**

**Cazza: Will you just shut up and help me!**

**Kalan: Hey? Who you calling a drab! (_Television blares daily weather)_**

**Cazza: This is going to be a long day…**

Chapter 1 – The idea

Hermione beamed as Professor Dumbledore handed Gryffindor fifty house points because well he felt like giving it to her. As she turned to walk away he called her back.

'Ms Granger?' He asked.

'Yes professor?' she answered turning back to him.

'How far would you have gotten if I hadn't called you back? Hiccup'

She frowned at him. 'I believe that if you hadn't called me back I would get where ever it was I was going.' She liked rhetorical questions, but he was toying with her. 'Sir what is that smell if you don't mind me asking?'

'Oh that's port. I had a little tuck into the old supply before I had to go and talk to those Ravenclaw first year brats.' He laughed so hard tears appeared in his eyes.

She looked at him shocked. 'Pardon?'

'Never mind… I'm far too busy for that nonsense any way! I have a proposal to make…' He said fishing around on his desk for something. 'I'm sorry what did I say?'

'That you had a proposal to make…' Hermione finished.

'Oh right… Hermione I realize that there is about six hundred years between us, but will you marry me?' Dumbledore hiccupped.

Her eyes widened with fear. 'Um I'm afraid that is illegal in the wizard and muggle world, and with the utmost respect, that's very creepy.'

He nodded. 'All right, that's okay. I can take it, I'm a man…' He closed his eyes for a moment, 'Ms Granger what was I saying again?'

'You had a proposition for me…' She answered hoping that he wouldn't ask her to marry him again.

'Oh yes, I know how you like extra curricular activities, I have a little activity for you and a few others. If you win Gryffindor could win a hundred thousand galleons or 900 house points.' He coughed and turned to his desk again. 'Take this form and fill it in. Bring it to me and you're in.'

She beamed again taking the form. 'Yes sir, thank you very much!'

That was Chapter one, yes I know its short but if you liked it follow the pretty arrows

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	2. Part 2 The Rules

_**Big Headmaster**_

AN: Nope still don't own it, yes still rated R, and we were slightly drunk when we wrote it… That's two warnings now, and no flames. Cazza's scared of fire…

**Cazza:Kalan there is demand for us to write chapter 2; we need to write another chapter.**

**Kalan:Nooooooooooooooooooooo!**

**Cazza:…What was that for?**

**Kalan:I don't know I just felt like yelling Noooooooooooooooooo! It reminds me of how much pain we go through just to write together.**

**Cazza:I think that was an insult… Oh well at least I don't try and beat up the Weatherwoman.**

**Kalan:(_Stops and glares, no comeback in mind_)**

**Cazza:Any way we know that people liked what we wrote last time, oh and I'm sorry for any inconsistencies as I have never read Harry Potter, just watched the movies…**

**Kalan:What are you apologizing for? We can't apologize if we are going to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!**

**Cazza:(_Gets teary eyed_) …That was my line…**

**Kalan:(_blinks_) oh sorry.**

Chapter 2 – The Rules

Hermione strolled in through the large double doors that led to the house on the outskirts of London. She stopped in shock as more than eight other people stood in the den. Harry stood in the corner, obviously chatting up Ginny Weasley. Ron stood in the center of the room quite bored, and looking really tired for some reason.

Even Malfoy was there, his evil little smirk twisting his face up. 'Mud blood.' He cackled to Crab and Goyle. Hermione ignored them and strolled over to Ron.

'Did you get an invitation too?' She asked.

'Yeah, Professor Dumbledore is going to announce the rules soon. Poor old fella could hardly walk. Must be hard being that old…' He trailed off. 'He smelt pretty funky too.'

Hermione shivered remembering the previous day and the smell that he had on him, 'I can't wait to see what he has planned. Did you hear the prizes if we win!'

'And all those points will go to Slytherin.' Malfoy cut in. 'You can bet on it.'

'Fine.' Hermione answered. 'You're on; who ever wins has to be the losers slave for a week.'

'A month.' Malfoy replied heatedly.

'A year.' Fred and George said in unison. 'Make it interesting.'

Hermione nodded. 'All right one year.'

They shook hands and then turned from one another. Suddenly Dumbledore was standing above them on the large stairs.

'Welcome students to Big Headmaster.' He yelled. 'This show will be broadcast across the wizard world. Now the rules are simple, you are known as Housemates. At the end of every week you will be asked to nominate one person for eviction. Be warned because failure means DEATH!'

The room gasped, when professor McGonigall stepped in. 'Please forgive the headmaster, he is a little unwell. You will not be killed if you are evicted from the house; you just have no chance to go after the money or house points.'

Dumbledore frowned. 'Psssh! They will be killed because I the king of the castle demand it so! Meddling woman…'

The room full of people breathed a sigh of relief. McGonigall counted the heads in the room. 'Professor we only have ten contestants, we need another two.'

'I know that woman!' He shouted at her. 'I'm going to make it interesting! No body just wants to watch these spoilt little brats!'

Everybody frowned as he finished. '_Apara_!'

_Meanwhile_

1:25 am Longreach Australia

Two girls sat up watching television hoping to keep them selves awake before they had to catch the train to the city. It helped pass the day if they were asleep. Rene sat on the couch flicking through the channels, hoping to find something a little more interesting than the news. Cassie on the other hand had her legs draped over the recliner and giggled as she spoke to on of her other friends on the phone.

Rene rolled her eyes when Cassie gave an excited squeal and rammed her head under a pillow. She knew she shouldn't have allowed Cassie to have all that sugar after she had drunk the rum earlier.

When Cassie gave another squeal she sat up with the pillow in one hand and was just about to throw it when there was a pop and they were no longer in front of the TV.

Instead they were in a room with twelve people in it.

'You summoned some pathetic Muggles as the last two contestants?' a pale haired youth exploded, within moments the room was in disarray as everyone got into an argument over the two girls.

Rene and Cassie shared a look before turning to the two elderly couple who seamed to in charge.

'Where the bloody hell are we?' Rene asked.

'You're in Rosebury outside of London. You will be partaking in a game called big headmaster.' The old man said grinning wildly.

'Ewww!' Cassie shrieked. 'Dirty old man! I'm not being in your porno!'

Rene shuddered. 'I'm not into older men!' She changed her mind about hitting Cassie with it and threw it at the old headmaster instead. A puff of feathers went everywhere and the two girls burst out laughing.

'Can we go home now?' Cassie asked looking up to the sky, obviously still on a sugar high. 'I fell really cold, and these people look funny.'

Rene looked at the old man who was waving a strange stick around in the air. _'Infernum!' _He yelled. The floor around them erupted into a ring of fire.

'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!' Cassie cried. 'I hate fire! I hate it, make it stop.' Her screaming got more and more high pitched until every one in the room had to cover their ears.

'Oh boy.' Rene said. 'Now you gone and done it! With that she took her pillow back and wrapped it around her head, covering her ears.

Dumbledore had dropped his wand in confusion and the flames instantly ceased, as did the screaming.

'She's not human she's a bleating Mandragora!' Malfoy yelled.

'What?' Harry yelled back. 'I think I'm deaf!'

Hermione sat on the floor with the biggest headache she'd ever had. 'Ow. A little warning next time would be lovely.'

Rene stood there with a smug grin on her face. 'Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.' She teased. 'Any way it serves you all right! You did kidnap us!'

The old man sneered. 'Not technically. You haven't had a hand laid on you and unless we take you physically it's not kidnapping.'

'And I'm sure you have plenty of experience with that.' Rene muttered.

'Phew your breath is funky!' Cassie swayed. 'Smells like Ol' Smuggler rum! Bloody Alcoholic!'

The old man stuck his tongue out. 'Blonde.'

'Cantankerous old fart.' Rene yelled.

'Idio-' Dumbledore started.

'Headmaster!' McGonagall yelled at him.

'What?' He asked feigning innocence.

'Can I kill him?' Rene asked looking at Cassie for permission.

She shrugged. 'I don't care.'

'Wait.' Dumbledore cried out waving his arms in protest. 'Don't you want to hear about the prize for the Muggles?'

They stared at him. 'We're listening.' They said in unison.

'One hundred thousand dollars.' Dumbledore beamed. 'Galleons if you wanna live in the wizard world.'

Cassie and Rene passed a look between themselves of silent understanding. 'We're in!' They laughed together. Rene leaned to Cassie, 'I'm still gonna kill him when we win.'

'Yep… That's cool. But I want all his Ol' Smuggler. That's the good shit.'

'Now as I was saying. Now the rules are simple, you are known as Housemates. At the end of every week you will be asked to nominate one person for eviction.'

'Kinda like Big Brother?' Cassie asked curiously.

Dumbledore stared at her. 'Big Brother, yes? I just love their uncut show.'

Rene's and Cassie's eyes widened with fear… 'Uncut, um pardon but when we shower do we have to get filmed.'

He thought for a moment. 'I dunno, hiccup I'll make it a choice.'

'We are screwed.' Harry said knowing his fate before they had even started as they were ushered through the large French doors.


	3. Part 3 Live together? Kill each other

Big Headmaster

AN: Don't own it, don't want it…

**Cazza:I can't believe it! (Angry expression)**

**Kalan:I know that whole incident with the lollipop is like so over blown.**

**Cazza:Um… what lollipop? (Confused)**

**Kalan:Oh, ahhh uh hem… Never mind**

**Cazza:I meant I can't believe that we haven't had more than 4 reviews and over a hundred people have read it.**

**Kalan:What..? You're kidding, those lazy…**

**Cazza:Kalan! Not in front of the kids!**

**Kalan:Oh sorry.**

**Cazza:Now we are gonna write chapter 3 and somebody BETTER review it… **

**Kalan:Uh-oh now she's um a little high… okay quickly review, Review, REVIEW GOD DAMN IT PLEASE! AHHH SHES GOING CRAZY!**

**Cazza:OHHHH this is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because it is the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friends some people started…**

**Kalan:Oh sweet merciful readers please help me and review, this song goes on and on and on and on…**

**Cazza:singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing It forever just because it is the song that never ends…**

**Kalan:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

Chapter 3 – Live together? Kill each other!

Cassie and Irene sat by the fabulous pool as Ron and Hermione chatted about wands.

Malfoy on the other hand watched the Muggles sitting there in their little bikinis. Some how he couldn't take his eyes off them. Even Crab and Goyle were watching them. They chatted to themselves quietly and gave mischievous little giggles. Harry and Ginny were in the kitchen.

'Harry, I'm really quite worried that something's gotten into Dumbledore. I mean I don't know about you but he looked a little drunk to me.'

'Yeah me too Ginny.' Harry answered sipping his cola. 'Hey isn't it weird that we've been here like three days and those two Muggles have like not been affected by magic yet?'

'I know it's like it just disappears when some one flings it at Rene and when they throw it at Cassie, it just bounces off her. I don't think they are Muggles completely.' She absently watched as the knife cut up their dinner. Dumbledore had given them strict instructions only to address him as 'Big Headmaster' and given them the responsibility of the house they were in. Its tidiness would add points to their score, while whoever didn't pull their weight had points taken from their score. It was very confusing and only the two Muggles seemed to understand it at all.

'_Housemates to the lounge.'_ Dumbledore's voice called out. They all nodded and slowly they all shifted into the large bright green couch. The two girls from the Muggle world giggling at the thought of sitting next to one of the guys, but not doing what every one else thought. 'Psst, psst, psst.' They whispered together so low that only the two of them could hear. 'Tee hee!' Cassie cried out flopping on the lounge beside Ron. He blushed at her unable to keep his eyes above her chest. Rene sat next to Malfoy with a malicious glint in her eyes. She was planning something, but only Cassie could understand the look that she gave her. She nodded wildly.

'_This is Big Headmaster. Girls to the diary room.'_ He called out. They all got off the couch and left the boys sitting there wondering what the hell they were going to do.

The girls sat in the large fluro pink room on the many brightly coloured bean bags.

'I'm very disappointed in you girls! You should be making moves towards them; this show is based on love, betrayal, friendship and fun! You have shown none of that so I am taking off three points and nominating you all for eviction!'

Cassie sniffed the air suspiciously. 'Are you drinking Bundy Rum?' She asked standing up and looking for the incriminating bottle. Not at all worried about losing points.

'No!' Dumbledore yelled. 'You keep your grubby paws of my rum.'

'You are and you're not sharing?' Her eyes filled with tears. 'You're not… being very sniffle nice.'

Rene calmly covered her ears and buried her face in the bean bag. 'Oh shit.'

'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' She screamed in her high pitched voice. She did that when ever she didn't get her way.

'Ahhh!' Muffled the screams of the other girls cried into their bean bags as well.

'Oh give it to her please!' They begged and finally the half empty bottle of rum appeared at her feet.

'Tee hee!' She laughed swigging from the bottle and passing it between her and Rene. They all sighed in relief as it became quiet again and Dumbledore resumed his talking. 'Now I want you girls to go out there and flirt.'

He strolled around and the corner mumbling something about idiots and thieves.

They returned to the lounge stunned and looked at one another, except Rene and Cassie who by now were hiccupping from the alcohol consumption.

'Heh heh.' Malfoy chuckled. 'The brunette is mine.'

He smiled at Rene with such venom in his stare. 'So how about you and me get freaky?'

'No.' Rene answered looking to Cassie for help. Boys had never been her strong point. Well beating them up was, but that was another matter entirely.

Cassie shifted and sat between them. 'Malfoy has any one ever told you that you look constipated with that smirk on your face?'

The 'smirk' on his face was instantly replaced with scowl.

'Geez!' Cassie cried out. 'Malfoy don't hold it in, you might explode.' Just then the room exploded in laughter and he stalked away from them, before he could leave the room however. 'Wrong way! Toilets that way!' Cassie called out. Oh how he hated that blonde.

'Flipendo!' He yelled flinging a spell at her, mysteriously bounding off her and hitting the ceiling.

'Don't do that!' She yelled at him. 'It's not nice.'

The people in the room were laughing so hard that tears were forming in their eyes and Rene muttered a silent 'Thank you.'

Cassie smiled feeling a little tired. 'Sleep time, hiccup oops gonna feel that in the morning.'

'It's 5.30 in the afternoon.' Harry pointed out.

'And you're a dweeb.' Rene finished looking at his shocked expression. 'Oh sorry I thought we were playing Stating the Obvious. Can't help it, I'm really competitive.'

Again the room laughed and Harry yelled out. 'And you two suck!' He stood up cranky and left the same way Malfoy did.

'Is that the best any of you can do?' Cassie asked laughing so really hard.

Ron laughed, finding it very funny that some one could tell them off. 'I like you two.'

They laughed with him. 'We like you too!' They giggled from now on letting Ron into their secret circle. Hermione's eyebrows twitched. 'I'm going to go find Harry, he doesn't seem very happy that you made fun of him.'

'And you are just going to go and run to him aren't you?' Rene answered feeling a little sorry for Ron. 'Go on goodie goodie, but you don't know what you're missing out on.'

'Missing out on?' She asked leaving the room.

'She's such a wonderful person.' Ron said aloud, not knowing he said it.

'No she's not! You're fab Ron and she's fooling herself.' Cassie said holding his hand. 'Harry isn't half the man you are.'

'What?' Everybody said making kiss-kiss noises and obnoxious stuff. 'Cassie likes Ron.'

'Shaddup.' She answered. 'I think Ron's a nice guy and that you all need help, especially fashion wise, those robes are so 16th Century.' Every one in the room shut up instantly and reviewed their robes curiously.

Rene laughed. 'Yeah totally, and you know your hair is like so churchy! Can't you like brush it, try new styles and stuff. I mean Fred and George would look great with it spiked up a little.'

Cassie sighed.

'What?' Rene said looking at her confused.

She sighed again. 'I'm just thinking how great it would be if we had a party.'

'Yeah!' Rene said. 'With alcohol, music and we get the hot tub fired up! But not literally.'

Crab put his wand down, and mumbled. He really did want to set it on fire, its just he didn't realize that they meant getting in it. 'Sorry.' He laughed nervously as the hot tub was alight.

'Ahem…' Cassie coughed. 'Well maybe tomorrow night, I'm beat. Night.' She called out heading to her bed.

'Night.' Rene said following her and collapsing on the bed on the other side of her

'I don't know about you, but I think living with them is going to be a lot of fun.' Ron said with a smile on his face. Every one still in the room nodded, but very cautiously. As Ron left the room every body looked at one another, 'I still think Harry's right. We are **definitely** screwed.'

Every one else laughed quietly and silently left to do what ever it was they were going to do.

**Cazza:It goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it…**

**Kalan:No more! Please just review the damn fic! PLEE-EEAASSSEEE!**

**Cazza:forever just because it is the song that never ends yes it goes on and on my friends…**

**Kalan:She's been singing it the whole time please make it stop… Follow the arrows and give me sympathy reviews before I go insane!**

**Cazza:Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because it is the song that never ends…**

**Kalan: Oh dear merciful reader she will TAKE OVER THE WORLD with her horrendous song that never ends… Kill me now…. Just follow the arrows (cries out in agony)**


	4. Part 4 Mudbloods and Magic Mushrooms

**Big Headmaster**

AN: We still don't own it, we just want the money…

**Cazza:I still don't believe it!**

**Kalan:I know those reviewers are like not reviewing**

**Cazza:What? No I'm talking about the lollipop incident.**

**Kalan:Ahem ahahaha you heard about that huh?**

**Cazza:(looks at her friend strangely) How did you… fit it up there?**

**Kalan:OKAY I ADMIT IT I WAS VERY DRUNK AND I DIDN'T PUT IT THERE!**

**Cazza:ummm… okay… but..**

**Kalan: I DIDN'T DO IT!**

**Cazzaall right (clears throat)**

**Kalan:Change of subject, so are we gonna put our plan into action?**

**Cazza:Which plan? blinks**

**Kalan: The plan where we TAKE OVER THE WORLD**

**Cazza:(Gets angry) Will you stop stealing my line?**

**Kalan:Oops sorry it just keeps slipping out, here you say it.**

**Cazza:I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD**

**---Silence and crickets chirping ---**

**Cazza:Its not the same! (Runs from the room in tears, leaving Kalan in charge ofthe Keyboard.**

**Kalan:And I thought I was the one that needed to be drunk. (laughs maniacally as she realizes that she has full control of Keyboard…) **

**Muahahhahahahahah!**

Chapter 4- Mudbloods and Magic Mushrooms

It had been a long week and it was almost time for the first nominations. It was a nerve racking time, except to the Muggles. They didn't seem at all nervous. They were as usual getting drunk or threatening Malfoy, or asleep. One way or the other the house hold was definitely screwed.

'This is Big Headmaster.' The voice rang out. 'I command you all to shower, especially the lovely young ladies.'

'NO!' The voices of the girls cried out.

'YES!' The boys yelled out at the same time.

'But why?' The voice yelled out in a whiney tone. 'I'm not peeking I swear!'

'Liar.' Rene muttered covering her chest with her fore arms. She shuddered. 'You are a dirty, sick old man.' She answered.

'I'll give you a present if you do?' It called out again. 'Lotsa lollies.'

'No!' Cassie yelled standing up. 'You gotta do better than that!'

'What then?'

There was silence; only the smile on Cassie's face frightened every one a little.

'Magic Mushrooms.' She answered smugly. No one except Rene had any Idea what they were.

'What?' The voice repeated confused. 'Huh?'

'You heard me.' Cassie said giggling. 'I want Magic Mushrooms.'

'Yeah!' Rene yelled getting up beside her. 'Magic Mushrooms, cause by the time we get through them we'll be too high to care.'

'Yup.' Cassie answered with a defiant nod.

'Bugger.' Big Headmaster yelled out. 'Fine! I'll find your bloody Magic Mushrooms.'

'Tee hee hee!' Cassie laughed. 'He's so dumb. While he's searching for them we can safely shower.'

Sure enough Dumbledore was so busy searching for these 'Magic Mushrooms.' That by the time he found them, every one had had a shower. He cursed to himself enjoying the moment when one of those cheeky housemates were evicted.

It was creeping closer to 5.00pm now. Soon they would have to nominate one person to leave the house. That was fine, Cassie and Rene had already planned that Malfoy was the first to go. He had watched the whole time they showered together, and only a small opaque plate glass divider had blocked his view.

'Ron!' Hermione yelled running towards him. 'Thank goodness I caught up with you.'

'Um, fuzzy? Where else is he gonna be?' Cassie answered angrily. Rene yawned and rolled over. 'Shaddup.' She mumbled…

'Well Harry and Malfoy are beating each other up! They are killing one another!' Hermione said ignoring the other Muggles.

'So?' Ron answered trying to look not at all interested, though curiosity was edging at the sides of his mind.

'So? Don't you want to get in there and help Harry out?' She cried out.

'…Shaddup.' Rene said again.

'No.' Ron said finally. 'I'd rather see him hung from a peg by his underwear.'

Cassie giggled softly. 'That can be arranged.'

'OH FOR…. I SAID SHADDUP! SHADDUP! SHADDUP! SHADDUP! SHADDUP! CANT YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!'

Hermione yelped and ran in fright.

'Shaddup yourself.' Cassie answered yawning and stretching. 'Tell me off again and I'll tell Dumbledore what a Magic Mushroom is.'

'Will not.' Rene answered. 'Cause then he could see you too!'

'Eh.' Cassie said. 'Like I care.'

'Bugger. You wouldn't care either.' Rene said stretching and rolling over.

Their nominations had just been entered and the three nominees were, Malfoy, Fred, and Ginny. Slowly the old man opened the envelope and said. 'It is time to go… Ginny.'

Harry looked as if the stuffing had been beaten out of him. He sighed and waved to her as she disappeared in a puff of smoke. The room held a moment for silence, well almost a whole moment. Until Rene sneezed. 'What?' She asked when every one else gave her a dirty look. Well that was it, week one was over and none of them were dead yet. A little bruised, shaken, bored or tired, but still breathing.

Cassie smiled thoughtfully, 'Malfoy, you seemed to have been to the toilet lately. You're usual I cant hold it in look isn't on today. Did you take some Laxatives? Oh I know, more fibre in your diet?'

Well no one was dead yet, but there were still 6 hours before lights out.

He grumbled to himself. 'Mudblood.'

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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